Thursday, May 24, 2018

Kim's Long Game, Trumps Short Game

Drive for Show, Putt for Dough. Kim succeeded,Trump not so much.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Royal Wedding - Pool Side Apparel

Traffic Metering Light Incident

Hey, someone mowed over the traffic metering light (good for them).

Hey, there is the car that mowed over the metering light (ouch).

Hey, look at that young couple yelling at each other.

I wanted to stop and thank them for mowing over that stupid metering light, but it looked like they had lots to 'talk' about......

Godfathers Future Calls Home using Google Assistant?

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Thursday, May 3, 2018

Onion - Girl Scouts Response to Boy Scout's Announcement This Week (allowing girls to join)

Responding to the Boy Scouts’ decision to open up their organization to all genders, the Girl Scouts of America officially announced Thursday that they’ll never ever let any gross-ass fucking boys in. “The Girls Scouts remain dedicated to raising the next generation of America’s women leaders, and as such, there is no way in hell we’d ever consider letting a bunch of dirty, stinky boys into our association,” said CEO Sylvia Acevedo, explaining that they’re firmly committed to restricting the admission of rude, loud young men who smell like shit and will mess everything up by getting in the way of their mission to grow their members into happy, successful, and civically engaged young women. “Not in a million goddamn years would we allow those booger-eating slobs to take part in our camping or community service activities. They’ll just fart and burp and piss everywhere all the time.” At press time, Girl Scout officials also stated that they wouldn’t allow anyone from the Boy Scouts to join, adding that everyone knows the organization was for total pussies.

Inappropriate Sesame Street Captions....

Onion: "Cambridge Analytica Offers 75% Off All Facebook User Data For Blowout Closing Sale"

Monday, April 30, 2018

How Suitcase Full Of Pepperoni & Flock Of Seagulls Got Man Banned from Victoria Hotel

Dear Empress Hotel:

This may seem like and unusual request, but I write to you today, seeking a “pardon”.
17 Years ago a string of unfortunate events led to my being banned from your hotel. I would like to explain the incident……

In 2001, I had recently joined my current employer, xxxxxxxxx and I was also in the Canadian Naval Reserve. xxxxxxxxx was hosting a customer conference at the Empress and it was my first event with the company.

I told my Navy buddies that I was coming out West and I was asked to bring “Brother’s Pepperoni” from Halifax. It is a local delicacy. Because this was the Navy we were talking about, I brought enough for a ship. In a hurry, I had completely filled a suitcase with pepperoni for my friends. Some of it was wrapped in plastic, some in brown paper. I took whatever Brothers would sell me.

This is the bag that the airline misplaced.

The bag reappeared the next day. I knew that the pepperoni would still be “good”. It had only been at room temperature for a short time. It would, however, be quite some time before I could turn it over to my friends.

Just to be safe, I decided that I should keep it cool.

My room was a nice, big, front-facing room on the fourth floor. It was well appointed, but it did not have a refrigerator. It was April, the air was chilly. An easy way to keep all of this food cool would be just to keep it next to an open window. I lifted one of the sashes and spread the packages of pepperoni out on the table and window sill. Then, I went for a walk…..for about 4 or 5 hours.

When I had covered enough ground, I returned to the hotel. I remember walking down the long hall and opening the door to my room to find an entire flock of seagulls in my room. I didn’t have time to count, but there must have been 40 of them and they had been in my room, eating pepperoni for a long time.

In case you were wondering, Brothers’ TNT Pepperoni does NASTY things to a seagull’s digestive system. As you would expect, the room was covered in seagull crap. What I did not realize until then was that Seagulls also drool. Especially when they eat pepperoni.

I’m sure you have an image in your head. Now remember that I have just walked into the room and startled all of these birds. They immediately started flying around and crashing into things as they desperately tried to leave the room through the small opening by which they had entered.

Less composed seagulls are attempting to leave through the other CLOSED windows. The result was a tornado of seagull excrement, feathers, pepperoni chunks and fairly large birds whipping around the room. The lamps were falling. The curtains were trashed. The coffee tray was just disgusting.

I waded through the birds and opened the remaining windows. Most of the gulls left immediately. One tried to re-enter the room to grab another piece of pepperoni and in my agitated state, I took off one of my shoes and threw it at him.

Both the gull and the shoe went out the window.

By this time, I was down to one gull left in the room, but it was a big one, and it didn’t want to leave.
As I chased it, it ran around the room with a big hunk of pepperoni in its gob.

In a moment of clarity, I grabbed a bath-towel and jumped it. It stated to freak-out so I wrapped it in the towel and threw it out of the window.

I had forgotten that Seagulls cannot fly when they are wrapped in a towel.

This is all happening fairly quickly and this is mid-afternoon. The Empress hosts a very famous and very popular “High Tea”. I suspect this is where the large group of tourists was heading when they were struck by first my shoe, then a bound-up seagull (the seagull was unharmed, by the way).

Let’s go back to my little housekeeping issue. The room was BAD. There was a lot of damage.

I was new to my company and I was really trying to make a good impression at this important event. I decided that I would carry on for now and handle this whole thing later. I then realized that I had only a few minutes before an important dinner and that I only had one shoe.

I made my way to one of the side doors and recovered both the shoe and the towel that were laying in some wet soil bear the walking path. The shoe was a mess. I took it back to the room. By this time, I had close the windows and the air was becoming quite ripe with the smell of digested pepperoni and fish.

I went into the washroom and rinsed the mud off of my shoe. It cleaned-up nicely, but now I had one wet, dark shoe, and one dry, light coloured shoe.

In retrospect, I should have just wet the dry shoe. Instead, I choose to dry the wet shoe using the little hairdryer. It was actually doing quite well. I had the hairdryer jammed in there and the shoe was drying quite nicely. Then, the phone rang.

I walked into the next room to answer it and the power goes off. It turns-out that the hairdryer had vibrated free of the shoe and fallen into the sink full of water and the GFI didn’t seem be 100% functional. I don’t know how much of the hotel’s power I knocked-out, but at that point I decided I needed help.

I called the front desk and asked for someone to come help me clean-up a mess. I can still remember the look on the lady’s face when she opened the door. I had absolutely no Idea what to tell her, so I just said “I’m sorry” and I went to dinner. When I came back, my things had been moved to a much smaller room.

I thought that was the end of it all until I was told that my company had received a letter banning me from the Empress. A ban that I have respected for almost 18 years.

I have matured and I admit responsibility for my actions. I come to you, hat-in-hand to apologise for the damage I had indirectly come to cause and to ask you reconsider my lifetime ban from the property.
I hope that you will see fit to either grant me a pardon, or consider my 18 year away from the empress as “time served”.

Thank you very much for your consideration.

Nick Burchill

**Update 31 March**
After reviewing my application for a pardon with the Empress staff; Ryan, the manager has notified me verbally that I will once again be welcome as a guest. I bet it was the pound of Brothers Pepperoni that I gave them as a peace offering that did the trick.


Texting and Driving Solution

Thursday, April 19, 2018

This is bat country...

Rick & Morty Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Craigslist Ad


favorite this post SEEKING LEAD ATTORNEY FOR DIFFICULT CLIENT (1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW) hide this posting

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
1650 Pennsylvania Avenue N.W
compensation: Client is a hugely wealthy man. Hugely successful. Everyone says it.
employment type: contract 
Seeking a lead attorney to represent client involved in an ongoing Federal investigation. Must be familiar with laws and procedures around discovery, executive privilege, international financing of licensed real estate, election law and the Logan Act. Working knowledge of social media, especially Twitter is a plus, as is a better than average knowledge of the adult film industry and a collection of Playboy magazines from 1985-2010. Must look the part - Gregory Peck or Tommy Lee Jones type. Prior appearances on Fox News a huge plus.
No fatties.

Must be prepared to work with a client who is very forceful and opinionated about his defense and is his own best counsel.

Basically your job boils down to keeping him from testifying under oath and hoping the rest comes out in the wash.

Ask about our other openings on our staff and submit your resume to be considered for potential openings in the near future. Perhaps the very near future. Like, hit refresh on your browser now. Now again.
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
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post id: 6544195570

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Not for my family...

....we had the real original....

....and after we all moved out to our own places we used to send it out a Christmas gift amongst the kids as a gag gift. Somewhere along the line it was sadly lost. I still remember the stars on the handle.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Republicans in Illinois have elected a Nazi as their candidate for Congress

Way to go Illinois. At least you have the guts to admit that the Republican party is the party of Nazis.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Going off the rails.....

......this what our world has become....

......god help us all.

Friday, March 16, 2018

That escalated quickly....